Why we’re afraid to feel (and how to overcome it)

Lack of education and understanding of emotions

For the millenials and generations that came before, most never had any education about emotions. As a Gen X, I considered emotions “fluffy and weak”. They were for those who lacked the mental strength to pick themselves up from a setback, people who wasted their time whining instead of trying to problem solve.

Emotions: We all have them but why are pretending that we don’t?

Having emotions is part of the human experence. Otherwise, what makes us different from machines? Although it’s a key component of being human, it has remained a mystery to many of us.

The result of denying our emotions?

• addictions
• increase in rates of anxiety, depression, mental health issues and Dis-ease
• strained and unhealthy relationships
• disconnection from self and others (which contributes to a sense of emptiness within)

What happens to emotions that we suppress 🤔

I never considered what happened to the emotions I brushed aside.

But I knew I never felt comfortable in my skin and in the world. I didn’t know how to deal with discomfort and pain, to avoid it I drank, smoked, partied, and kept myself busy. Each time I got drunk, the more shame I carried inside. I was extremely uncomfortable talking to strangers and being outside of my comfort zone.

Alcohol and cigarettes were tools I used to cope so I could appear confident in the world. Except I did not realise they were coping strategies.

I never made the connection between suppressing my emotions and the way I used to drink!

🤯I joked about how “I drink my feelings” but did not realise the impact of these emotions that were not consciously felt. They were showing up in my life as triggers, unhealthy coping strategies and limiting beliefs.

I hated the way I was when drunk but I couldn’t stop. The relief of the first sip was like a spell I could never break.

I believed it was because I lacked self control and there was something wrong with me. This contributed to the harsh self-talk. And I was caught in this loop of judgement, guilt and shame.

If you’re not a drinker, can you relate to this if you replace alcohol with food/snacking or keeping busy?

Emotions that are suppressed are stored in the body and over time can show up as dis-ease

Emotions = Energy in motion. Surely what we supress, doesn’t simply just go away. What happens to unprocessed emotions?

If you have chronic pain or disease, it is likely you have emotions suppressed that are being expressed as a physical symptom. Dr. Gabor Mate writes about this in his book “When the body says no”, which I highly recommend.

Suppressed emotions presented as anxiety and depression

In sobriety, as my body began to feel safe again, anxiety came first. For 2+ years, I would get bouts of anxiety that would surface and last for days to months at a time, even resulting in a full blown panic attack when I was alone in Bali. I believe a large part of it was the terror that I felt as a child from a father with an explosive temper. While not physically violent, unable to self regulate, my dad had frequent loud verbal outbursts of anger.

Even the fear I felt during my birth was experienced in one of my practice sessions during my Compassionate Inquiry training. The body stores these emotions and the body remembers!

Depression, a suppression of and disconnection from our emotions and authentic self

What does the word depressed mean? It is when something is flattened, as if pressed from above. When there is pressure being applied from above, to squash something down.

So doesn’t it make perfect sense that when we push down our emotions, squash and flatten our true desires and the expression of our authentic self over an extended period of time due to external pressure, we become depressed?

I am not claiming that suppressed emotions are the only reason for anxiety, depression and other diseases. It is likely a combination of several reasons. But to entirely overlook suppressed emotions, would be to ignore a large piece of the puzzle.

Depression led me to journey into the body

After 2.5 years of dealing with anxiety, depression began to show up. This was sparked by a huge transition in early 2022. From a combination of the intense process of unlearning and confusion that followed my spiritual awakening, to leaving the comforts and safety of home in Singapore.

Whilst extremely frustrating at times, it led me to a deeper understanding of journeying into my body. As I allowed myself to meet the emotions, I began to expand my capacity to hold and feel the depth of emotions that had been trapped through the years of this lifetime, and generations.

For 30+ days, I commited to journeying into the body daily as part of my foundation course module at Earthstar Academy. As I journey into the different organs and systems, it was interesting to witness the memories that would surface. At times, there would be no memories or stories; only emotions that would rise up to be released.

As I write this post, I am still in the midst of navigating this and in the process I believe I will uncover and understand more.

How do we overcome our fear of feeling?

“Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is”

German proverb

• Educate yourself, learn about emotions
  It is scary only because we believe we are alone with it and in it. It feels like you will drown and suffocate, like it will never end. But it will pass. That’s a fact.
  
  We fear it because we don’t understand it and most people fear the unknown. Most of us have not been taught how to feel and healthily process our emotions with caregivers who are able to co-regulate.
  
  If someone had been able to explain why I was suddenly dealing with anxiety and how to feel my way through the anxiety and depression, it would have been a lot less scary.
  

• Find support in a safe container
  Be supported through the process of feeling with someone who makes your nervous system feel safe. Traditional talk therapists trained in theory without meeting the depth of their own emotions or developed their self awareness, may be uncomfortable around the emotions of others.
  
  If you are looking for 1:1 support, finding a compassionate inquiry practitioner might be a good place to start. Or join me in a cacao ceremony in a group contaner, to start connecting with your heart and emotions.
  

• Leave the mind out of it
  Something I’ve had to really practice doing is leaving the mind out of the feeling process. There was always a need to understand and analyze, but I have come to realise that the intellectual processing is seperate and different to the process of feeling and releasing.
  
  The mind is like a computer system that processes information based on its stored data (past experiences, beliefs, emotions) to interpret current experiences. However, the thoughts generated are not necessarily facts or a reflection of reality.
  
  Never believe the stories of the mind when you are caught up in the symptom of anxiety, depression or any sort of emotional storm.
  
  There is a time and place for talk therapy and mental processing. However, we cannot ignore the missing piece – the actual emotional processing. Feeling the emotion in order to release it.