Does every challenge really teach us something?
The past few weeks, I’ve wrestled with this tough question. I was shouting at the universe in frustration and wanted to poke God in the eyes😅.

After getting sober, 2+ years of battling anxiety and then facing depression, it was one hurdle after another. It was hard not to compare myself to others who have spent less time on their healing journey yet seem to be thriving.
After all the inner work I’ve commited to, why am I still depressed?! Why am I finding it hard to get clarity and make progress in life. Old narratives would occasionally replay in my mind as I find myself slipping into victim mentality.
During the depths of my depression in May and June, I began breathing with my heart and tuning into my body. For 1.5 months, I journeyed into the body, releasing waves of grief, sadness, and anger. I felt lighter for a few weeks, but suddenly the blanket of depression wrapped itself even more tightly around me.

In July, I felt at my worst. The suicidal thoughts grew louder. For three days, I burst into tears or rage randomly. I even considered drinking again, which was shocking since this craving hadn’t surfaced for a long time.
Thankfully, because I had invested heavily in building a healthy reservoir of self-love and a strong sense of Self, my tender inner voice reminded me that it wasn’t worth it. Deep down, the true essence of who I am did not identify with these thoughts
It demonstrated the extent of my inner mastery
Despite the extreme discomfort, this (unpleasant) challenge showed me the depth and width of my container. It demonstrated my capacity to hold myself through pain.
Inner growth can be easy to miss, many times I still judge my progress on the tangible things that can be seen.
I continue my exploration for a cure… next, an entity removal
I avoid attributing these symptoms to a psychic attack or entity attachment because it turns into another symptom to treat. Booking a session to “remove” the problem can easily shift responsibility and be disempowering.
Since I’ve already delved deeply into emotional processing, I decided to explore this approach.
After my session, I learned that it wasn’t a single entity attached to me but rather energies attached to my soul across multiple lifetimes. I treat everything someone tells me as just a story until I personally experience it as a felt knowing. Only then do I consider it my truth. So here, the story is irrelevant.
I’m more interested in the outcome. A few days after the session, something shifted, and that heavy blanket lifted. However, I still felt an internal exhaustion and a sense of discouragement.
Noticing a pattern
When I shift out of depression, I usually experience a burst of optimism and motivation, pushing myself to be as productive as possible.
But when my external world doesn’t change, I begin to lose momentum, triggering another wave of depression. Each time this cycle repeats, I feel increasingly depleted and less motivated during the next upswing.
What is my Depression pattern telling me?
2 weeks after my healing session, I had a session booked with with Charlie from the Earthstar Academy.
Baseline of Safety in the Nervous System … I found my missing piece
During my session, he shared his perspective: my nervous system had been swinging between high activation and freeze. This constant shift left little room for information, clarity, and wisdom to settle.
He guided me to anchor myself and rest in safety as I began to observe my body’s reactions. I noticed a general sense of safety within, but in moments of stillness, small flutters of anxiety surfaced and released.
As I continued to observe, I sensed a frantic vibration and emerging sadness within my body. The realization hit me: although life had slowed down and I felt well-rested, that was not the experience my nervous system was having.
After shedding tears and staying present with the vibration while anchoring into safety, I suddenly experienced STILLNESS. The frantic vibration subsided, and I felt a profound calm and clarity, accompanied by a sense of expansion and opening.
A huge lightbulb went off: AHH, so this is what it feels like when your nervous system experiences safety as its baseline! In this state, we can handle challenges and navigate life with clarity and grace.
As we continued, I felt a growing sensation near my throat, almost as if I were being choked. When that eased, another sensation emerged in my left ribcage. Charlie promptly guided me to anchor back into safety instead of focusing on the new sensation.
This time, connecting with my safety anchors proved more difficult. I noticed my mind starting to interfere. Staying with the experience, Charlie helped me refocus on finding my anchors of safety, guiding me back to ease and rest.
What did I learn? I’ve come to understand the cycle I was trapped in
Whilst I showed up daily to meet myself, allowing myself to feel and release, I failed to balance this with anchoring into safety. What I was doing was quite the opposite.
Old habits die hard, and this had unintentionally, sneakily showed up in my approach towards healing.
I moved through a whirlwind of intense emotions without giving my nervous system time to rest and recalibrate. My nervous system oscillated between high activation and freeze because it was overwhelmed. When it became too much, my mind started to interfere.
No wonder I felt so depleted with this constant shift from one extreme state to another.
Another Perspective on Depression and Suicidal Ideation: A Part of the Self That Is Dying
I want to address this topic because it’s rarely discussed. Suicidal thoughts can arise from an aspect of the self that is dying, reflecting the ego death that accompanies awakening.
Understanding that suicidal ideation might reflect a part of the Self that is dying can also help us recognize this phenomenon during significant life transitions.
Since 2019, my life has transformed dramatically. I have been shedding many layers of my identity, and it’s natural to grieve the loss of these aspects of self.
By recognizing the multiple facets of depression, it becomes less intimidating. This perspective allows us to approach depression from various angles and with diverse healing modalities, shifting our focus from fear to curiosity.

Building Safety by Resourcing from the Earth and Cultivating Stillness Within
While the work I’ve done in the past has helped to build safety in my body and expanded my capacity to hold myself through challenges, I must remember that safety is also created when I allow space for inner rest.
What does this look like? For me, I find my medicine in the earth. Being in nature and rooting down, without an agenda, only with the desire to rest and receive from Her.
I remind myself that some days, all I need is to allow myself to come into stillness within, without forcing clarity or confronting intense emotions.

Finding Rest ‘In Her Soil’
Gong Bath & Healing Frequencies 12 – 19 September 2024
If you’d like to experience the nurturing energy of Mother Earth. Join me for a rejuvenating session, perfect for city dwellers who may be exhausted, overwhelmed, burnt out, experiencing anxiety and/or insomnia.
Let the sound and vibrations of the gong take you into a deep meditative state as you sink into deep rest, held and nurtured in her soil.
Day time sessions: Ceremonial Cacao will be served before gong bath
Evening sessions: Blue Lotus Tea will be served before gong bath
There are 5 sessions, which session caters up to only 4 pax. Please book here